i'm coming slow but speeding...

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

i wish i lived in san diego

that is all.

jules was lost in thought at 11:56 AM
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Friday, May 27, 2005

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

okay, this all seems eerily accurate.... except the part about being forced to break up with someone who is sarcastic. oooh how i love a good sarcastic discussion. there are very few thngs as gratifying as winning one.... hell, even losing a good discussion is great.

man, i wish i could drive right now. a soothing aimless cruise around the state...

jules was lost in thought at 10:14 PM
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my parents have become enablers. they have enabled my deepseated fear that i am an invalid to become a fullfledged reality. they do not understand that i am rotting away in this 9'x9' prison cell. they do not see that all their "loving and protection" is suffocating me, and i am dying inside because i really am an invalid now. i cant leave my house under my own power. i cant see my friends. i am dead to the world, and it is on their accounts.

i am perfectly able to drive. i am perfectly able to walk. i am ABLE. but to them, i am a helpless, defenseless sickly invalid who needs to be watched over constantly, as though i cannot fend for myself. i am dying! and all they can do is tell me how keeping me locked in this hellhole is protecting me, saving me. bullshit

so here i am, on a friday night, when all my friends are celebrating fred's birthday, and i am stuck here, because these two pompous asses think that keeping me locked away is protecting me. this is why i cant sleep!! i have too much energy to sit here, wasting away my hours reading, typing aimlessly on my computer...... this is why i cannot sleep. i have become useless. i know it, my body knows it. so it keeps me awake until the sun comes up to remind me of just how decrepid and useless i am as a human being right now.

i thanked them for turning my fears of becoming an invalid into a stark reality. i got baraged with a sea of "we're just looking out for you" and other lines of parental bullshit. as if keeping me from being social is helping me in the least. they do not seem to understand that keeping me from my friends is detramental to my very recovery. fucking hate this bullshit.

i hope you guys all had fun on friday night. fred, sorry that i couldnt make it up for your birthday shindig, and hope that you got annihilated. everyone else, i'm sorry i didnt show up. you can blame the wardens.

jules was lost in thought at 9:50 PM
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Thursday, May 26, 2005

i have been thinking of this question all night, and i would like to know what everyone's response to this question would be:

As much as you try to live life to the fullest, there are bound to be things that you regret not doing. If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret not doing with your life?

post a comment, drop me an IM, keep it to yourself, whatever. but it's something to mull over. and it's something to think of changing too.

and what's mine? i'd regret not letting forgiveness into my heart sooner and harbingering so much resentment over the past year

jules was lost in thought at 4:45 AM
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so here it is, once again, the wee hours of the morning, and instead of being asleep in my bed lost in a sea of speckled sheets and a massive red comforter, i am wide eyed and bushy-tailed. why? well, for some reason, i have the world's worst songs stuck in my head, on constant repeat. i give you: Julie's Insomnia Mix from Hell, stuck on unstoppable repeat in my head!!!
~ "simply irresistible" by robert palmer
~ "incomplete" by the backstreet boys (i know i know, but it gets worse)
~ "behind these hazel eyes" by kelly clarkson (i want to shoot myself for that one)

just those three. thats it. on constant repeat in my skull. kill me. please.

on the plus side of things, i have mr. mozdale to keep me company once again. thats definetly the highlight of the evening here, seeing as he always keeps me thoroughly entertained. besides, he's a bigger dork than i am, which is always a good thing to have around when you're feeling incredibly dorky. oy vey.... i need sleep.

oh, something to look forward to in my mundane life: fred's birthday party/ leah's going away party at pink shutters friday evening. it'll be nice to chill with everyone up there, since i missed the end of year party, and miss those people quite a bit. i might get to see someone intriguing too... fingers crossed on that one. oh, and ryan and lemuel's luau is on saturday, in celebration of lemuel coming home from florida for a few weeks. really, any excuse to throw a party for those kids. it'll be good to see lemmy though... last time i saw him was october, and we havent spoken since november, when sean called me and he stole the phone momentarily... damn florida. it's ruined so much for me. it has taken away two very dear friends, lemuel and lisa. it gave me false hopes that an old friendship could be restored. i hate florida. that state has been synonymous with nothing but hurt for me since october. on the plus side, i know never to move there. baaaad juju down there.

finally, a good song popped into my head! thank you, U2 for "one"!
okay, back to my convo with moz.
it's gonna be a loooong day.

until next time...

jules was lost in thought at 4:25 AM
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

okay, there's only so much more of this i can deal with. i am so sick of insomnia. not being able to sleep before i spend hours writhing about, trying to get comfortable. it doesnt help that i have lost all confidence in my foot, and am relearning how to walk on it.

i saw the x-rays of my foot today at my doctor's appointment. appealing to both my morbid curiousity and girlie squeamishness, i saw the "pin" in my foot. it is not a pin, but rather a 4 inch stake shoved in my foot to hold the bone in place while it heals. and it is sticking out of the top of my foot. an inch out. a massive hook, just waiting to get a good graple hold on the next piece of fabric it comes near. imagine an allen wrench surgically implanted in your foot. i am terrified of my foot now. i am so afraid to walk on it, for fear of screwing everything up and having to endure this process again.
i just want to sleep. i want my old foot back too. it might have hurt, but at least i didnt have a metal spike in it, and i could wiggle my toes freely. gah, so disgruntled.

until next time....

jules was lost in thought at 4:05 AM
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Sunday, May 22, 2005

did i say boys arre funny creatures in that last post? i meant that they are phenomenal creatures, capable of making me feel warm abd fuzzy in the cockles of my heart (blatant denis leary plug... sorry).

one fought insomnia and the breaking of the dawn with me until 6:30 am. though i normally think that conversations over AIM are incapable of having much heart to them, due to how impersonal the media is, i was proven wrong, much to my delight. it was so reassuring knowing that not only did i have a friend out there at such ungodly hours, but that he completely understood what was going on inside my head. i've found myself the rarest type of friend in that boy: one that can drink like a man, gossip like a girl, and all the while just makes me feel so at ease about the conversation, despite how serious it might be. you know who you are... i <3 you!

two of my friends were awesome enough to make an hour drive to capture me from the monotony of my house. we went and grabbed some beers, got some grub, enjoyed good conversation, and laughed. and this made my night. i was so flattered that these friends would go so far out of their ways just to make sure i didn't go insane with cabin fever. these guys managed to put such a smile on my face, just with a simple visit.

the three guys have reaffirmed my faith that good guys exist out there. i just happen to be lucky enough to be surrounded by so many of them.
see guys?! it's not that difficult to make a girl happy! just show here that you appreciate her company, and she'll be happy... gawsh!

jules was lost in thought at 1:28 AM
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Friday, May 20, 2005

(actually written yesterday, but i forgot to post it. whoops)

boys are funny creatures.

one likes me. i have nothing but friendship to offer, and this makes me feel like a bad person.
i think i like one. he seems to not care less whether or not i exist, and this makes me feel frustrated, at best.
one forgot me. there are still nights, once in a blue moon, where i can't breathe when i think of him.

this is why i hate insomnia! it makes you think, since there's nothing better to do with your time. and when i think, i get emotional. and when i get emotional (we're talking that kind of emotional where you look fine, but your innards are burning... yeah, the real pleasant kind that's a sordid combination of anger and sadness, where you want to hit something or hold something, and you're not sure which) , i can't sleep. and when i can't sleep, i think too much. and when i think too much, i get emotional. and when i get emotional, i can't sleep...... GAH!

there are other boys. they are my friends, and they are growing too numerous to count on all my phalanges. these are the ones that offer to carry me up the stairs when i'm crutched. that make me smile through my tears. that spoon with me when i'm drunk and sad. that i can drink beer with and feel completely at ease. that are my fiancees. that are my big brothers, even if they're shorter and younger. that go for pointless drives with me to say nothing at all, just to feel the night breeze and listen to good music. that i can belch in front of, and instead of getting funny looks, i get graded. that stay up til sunrise just to watch the sunrise, even with work or class in the morning, just because we both feel like it. that neander around borders with me for hours. that whap corn fritters in my hair. that give great hugs, high fives, and explosions. that make store 24 runs with me at 2am in the middle of a nor'easter. that will expend themselves beyond all rationale to make my day, because they know i would do the same for them. that are just there, handing me a beer at the end of a long day and smiling. that make me feel like one of the guys. that make me feel accepted. that let me be me, and they still love me for it. that all make me happy, whether or not they even realize it.

boys are funny creatures.

jules was lost in thought at 12:03 AM
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

chuck palahniuk's survivor has been completed since tuesday (book #9 in as many days). kurt vonnegut's slaughterhouse five is halfway complete. my filing work is all in order. my room is clean (hallelujah!). i am well rested for the first time in... too long to remember. this 9 days of lethargy have been more productive than i bargained for. wow. i'm actually disappointed that my time is drawing short, upon more careful consideration.

wait. i take that back. get me out of this house before i die of cabin fever! freedom!!

that is all.

jules was lost in thought at 11:52 PM
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according to a recent survey from the University of Connecticut Department of Public Policy, not many of you.
83% of journalists read blogs, if only for news gathering.
10% of the normal population reads blogs. *

chris, mike, james, tara, and tina, as the only journalists (that i know of) that know my IM, and would then know my blog, hope you guys enjoy my daily rantings.

to the general public, the same goes to you. only you're not as cool as the six of us :p. but in your case, i feel pretty safe putting up some of this stuff, knowing there's actually a good chance you won't read it. funny how that works....

*source: http://www.boiseweekly.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A2985

until next time...

jules was lost in thought at 9:33 PM
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as this recovery period continues, i have nothing better to do with my time than reflect what has been going on with my body over the past week. the results are less than pleasing.

~ because of the incessant sitting and lying down, my herniated discs are now flaring up
~ my left ankle is screaming from the strain of carrying my body weight alone
~ my hips are once again misalligned from keeping my leg elevated 90% of the time. 3 months of physical therapy down the drain
~ i'm losing an unhealthy amount of weight because of my waning appetite, which is on account of my lack of movement
~ my underarms are getting chapped from the crutches, but i can't get around without the damn things
~ i now have a constant cramping in my right foot. if i flex my foot down, the top of my foot tightens too much, and the bottom of my foot screams in pain. pointing my foot, the reverse happens. my tendons and muscles are begining to cramp up and break down already from lack of use
~ and to top it all off... i havent had a decent shower in over a week. oh, i can bathe, but if even a drop of water touches those dressings on my foot, i'm kinda screwed. so, its been sponge bath city... w00t!

and my foot still itches.

this is making me wonder whether or not this whole surgery will be worth it in the end. as of right now, i've already thrown away a month of my life for recovery, plus that 3 months of physical therapy wasted... mildly disheartening

i know worse things are happening to people every day. these things are trivial when you put everything into perspective. so all in all, i'm lucky to still have my health, as cliche as it sounds. its just frustrating watching yourself deteriorate, and know you can't do anything about it for the next week.
that's all. i just needed to get out some residual bitchness.
until next time...

jules was lost in thought at 12:47 AM
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

ripped from the pages of my life... well, my parents' life more appropriately, but still. anyone who knows the full story behind my name will understand why i was more that slightly freaked out by this quote... unless of course i didnt do a thorough job telling the story (that seems to be happening more and more. the story has lost interest to me through redundancy, so i end up leaving out some of the minute details that make the story that much more... enthralling, i guess. if i exlpained the story to you, but you still don't understand why this quote holds any pertinence to me, ask me. i'll explain)

"It was the newspapers who called it the Church of Slave Labor.
The church distric would pocket the cash, and the outside world got an army of clean, honest little Christian maids and gardeners and dishwashers and housepainters who'd been raised to believe the only way they could earn a soul is if they worked to death for nothing more than room and board."

Welcome to chuck palahniuk's Creedish church. welcome to a perfect description of life in the Julian sect of the Christian church. go mom and dad.

jules was lost in thought at 4:25 PM
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Monday, May 16, 2005

my foot itches.
normally, this would not be a problem, but my foot is currently surrounded by 2 inches of very thick dressings. and it itches.

that is all.

jules was lost in thought at 4:28 PM
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in my week of involuntary lethargy, i've noticed a few things...
i have been shafting myself in the department of sleep and relaxation.had i lacked the influence of anesthetic and some nasty drugs, i'd have probably slept the same amount in this past week.
my bed is sooo incredibly comfortable.... until about day 3. at that point though, most anyone's bed would be grueling.
man cannot live by water and crackers alone. this is not a valid excuse to eat taco bell.

i'm living up to the whole stigma of an English major. in the past week, i have read 8 books, with no signs of slowing down. here's the ever-growing list:
~ Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
~ Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
~ A Good School by Richard Yates (again)
~ Scientific Process goes Boink: a calvin and hobbes collection
~ The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
~ The Far Side Gallery 4
~ The Firm by John Grisham
~ Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
and i'm currently working on Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk, then Slaughterhouse Five for a little Vonnegut flavor, and then i'll be bored again. i didnt even read this much during school! thesedrugs must really be mesing with me.
okay, so maybe the calvin and hobbes collections and the far side book dont really count. But calvin and hobbes are the shit, end of story, so i count them. dammit, those books were heavy to hold on the first day of recoop!

okay, enough of these completely pointless babbling entries!
until next time...

jules was lost in thought at 12:49 AM
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Sunday, May 15, 2005

so its been a week since my last rant. this is damned near unacceptable for someone that used to post her daily trivial rants and raves for the world to read. well, ob the flip side of things, anyone who has spoken to me in the past week knows exactly what i have been up to. yes thats right ladies and gentlemen... i have been recooperating from a right foot fractural bunionoscopy. for those who have no clue what i just said, allow me to break it down for you.

i have grandma feet. the type of feet only 90 year old women who work on farms their entire life have the right to have. what makes me say that? let's go through the list, shall we? i have arthritis in my feet. this alone qualifies me for the Senior Farmer of the Year Award in Plainville. We wont get into too many of the grimy details, as i fear some of you may develop a scathing fear of my feet, much in the same way my sister lydia has (okay, she doesnt discriminate. she hates all feet, but that's hardly consoling). Suffice to say that the bones in my feet are misaligned and i had a bunion that could rival ross perot's nose. The combination of these three things would make normal activities like, oh say walking, excrutiating after about a half hour. Work has been a grueling task for the past three years; the only relief coming from flipflops or, ideally barefootedness (is that even a word?). I've done a good enough of a job of hiding the pain... all that walked endlessly with me on spring weekend would never had known the difference. see, and everyone just thought i don't go to the gym because i'm too damn lazy! But it was getting too much to bear. So, my options were either move to san diego, where i could live flipflops eternally and be comfortable or have surgery. unfortunetly for me, the former of the options is completely unfeasible. lets be honest, to live in san diego, you need to know how to surf. i cant afford surfing lessons, so surgery was my only option.

in leui of saving you from the squirm, i'll tell you all the lovely details. I had approximetly an inch of bone shaved from my foot, at the joint of the big toe. my big toe was broken and set back into my tweaked toe socket. i also had the main bone running from that joint to my ankle broken and readjusted, as the bunion had skewed the angle it had grown in. This was the cause of my arthritic pain. as a result of the surgery, i have a 3 inch slice on the side of my foot (stitched up, of course) and a hook sticking out of the top of my foot. the hook is only about a quarter of an inch, and it's holding my broken bone in place so it sets properly. of course, you can't see any of this, as it is all wrapped up. but the surgeon DID take pictures, so i'll get those to you guys as soon as possible. i also plan on taking a camera to my unraveling, as it should promise to be a fairly nasty site. after all, how often do you see a tiny little hook sticking out of the top of someone's foot?! if any of the previous details have confused you, just ask me to show you. my left and right feet are like a big before-and-after... it's actually kinda cool.

as to no one's great suprise, this whole process is incredibly painful. my doctors of course took care of me on that end of things. julie has been sustaining herself on percocets and oxycodone. before you ask, no i don't have any more percocets for sale (check back with me about the oxycodone though in a week :p). my docs actually gyped me on the percs.... i'm out :( this is particularly disheartening considering i am still in a great deal of pain. hey, no complaining about being a pussy with the pain either! you wouldnt be feeling so hot if a chunk of your bone had been sawed off! oh, in case you needed to be told, i'm on the oxycodone now. these drugs actually arent as fun as one mght think. the percocets are fabulous, dont get me wrong. they alleviate the pain and make you feel just splendid all over. even if it did hurt, you wouldnt care. the oxycodone are different. much different. they dont really alleviate the pain, though my doctors claim it is the stronger of the two. instead, if makes me incredibly tired, dizzy, sick to my stomach. for the most part, nothing can hod my attention. i feel twitchy, but too tired to do anything about it. all i want to do is sleep. i suppose thats a good thing in this state, but even coming down from the drugginess is sickening. i dont understand how people can be addicted to these things. i dread the pain in my foot now. beig out of percocets, the oxycodone are my only option. at this rate, i'd almost rather deal with the pain.

okay, i've babbled enough on this particular post. i'll continue with the drug-induced ramblings.
until next time...

jules was lost in thought at 11:49 PM
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Sunday, May 08, 2005

sew this up with threads of reason and regret
so i will not forget. i will not forget
how this felt one year, six months ago
i know i cannot forget

i can tell that you don't know me anymore
it's easy to forget. sometimes we just forget
and being on this road is anything but sure
maybe we'll forget. i hope we don't forget.

so many nights, legs tangled tight
wrap me up in a dream with you
close up these eyes, try not to cry
all that i've got to pull me through are memories of you

remember, we used to dance and everyone wanted to be
you and me?

Burned in on the 8th of May
He was spectacular...

jules was lost in thought at 1:42 AM
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Friday, May 06, 2005

to no big suprise, i am procrastinating. celtic and norse mythology is the bane of my existance. if anyone is an expert in the aforementioned subject, now would be a wonderful time to speak up. my patience for such trite babblings wears ever thinner. summer vacation cannot come soon enough this year.
i am FINALLY feeling better, after a solid week of illness
perhaps one of the highlights of my summer will be my surgery. i will be warranted a full 4 weeks without working if my little heart so desires it. i am guaranteed 2 weeks at the bare minimum to recover, the time of which will be spent lying down, doped up on percocets and recovering from the massive amount of sleep lost in the past year. it will be a fabulous 2 weeks. granted, by the end of week 1, i will be stir crazy, with an immeasurable case of cabin fever, but it will be well worth it to be fully rested with no burdens for 2 weeks, and no pain from there on out.

things to look forward to this summer:
~ 2 weeks of rest and relaxation
~ getting back to work (sounds crazy, i know)
~ the beach
~ concerts galore!
~ random drives to the shore to stargaze and watch the sunrise
~ camping
~ j & j book club (of alcoholism) :D
~ possible internship at some newspapers
~ catching up with all of my hometown buddies
~ coming back to all my uconn buddies

obstacles before summertime enjoyment:
~ celtic and norse mythology final

i hate school with such an unbridled passion. fortunetly, i love allnighters, so tonight wont be as bad as it could be. still, i wish i were doing somehting other than cramming my head chock full of useless knowledge.

the sunrise will be beautiful today...

jules was lost in thought at 2:18 AM
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

a little counting crows for what looks to be a long night of packing/studying/procrastinating

...we could drive out to the dunes tonight
because summer is almost here

i've been up all night
i might sleep all day
get your dreams just right
then let them slip away
i might sleep all day...

and when the roads are clear
you head on out of here
and if you're coming back
i'll see you in the morning
i'm just staring at the ceiling
staring back at me
just waiting for daylight
to come crawling in on me
i've been up all night...

it's too late to get high now
fix your hair just right
put your jeans on tight
i've been thinking i'd like to see
your eyes open up real wide
the minute that you see me
but if you don't come through
i wouldn't wait for you
i understand that everyone goes disappearing
into the greater grey that covers over everyday
and hovers in the distance...

i've been up all night
i might sleep all day

by the way, no complaints about the sudden overabundance of song lyrics, people! if the meaning of the lyrics is lost on you, that's you're own fault. sometimes, it is better to let the music speak for you than to stumble over your own misguided words.

jules was lost in thought at 10:48 PM
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