i'm coming slow but speeding...

Monday, April 25, 2005

this is bordering on redaculous. i got 2 hours of sleep last night. i woke up at 8:00 am. it is now 4:20am... and i cannot sleep. this is so damn frustrating!
for those of you who are confused about what insomnia is exactly: http://www.4woman.gov/faq/insomnia.htm
and before anyone tries to tell me a cure, read this list, i've tried all of them, but to no avail: http://www.well.com/user/mick/insomnia/ though any new suggestions are always welcomed.

after almost a year of sleeplessness, my body is utterly exhausted. it is as if my blood is made of molten steel. the days all blend together now. there is no seperation. i cannot wake up in time for the morning rush, with newscasters declaring triumphantly "it is blah-blah day yadda yadda" under their perfectly groomed hair and makeup. the newscatsers are waking up now to go to the station for their daily primping. ack.

i wish i could fall asleep, if only to dream a little bit. the occasions are rare, but when i do dream, they are morbid, twisted, and real. i dream of my friends. i dream of life in a dali painting, pulsating rooms and cityscapes. oh, if only you could see some of the bizarre sights i have seen, and woken up with the intense feeling that the dream was not a dream. that it had happened, and the emotions they evoke, that pit in the base of your stomach, that euphoria, that dreamlife is all real. it would make you want to sleep all day just for a glimpse. it is exhilerating. if a psychiatrist were to analyze my dreams, they might deem me insane. i daydream of dreaming, of sleeping, of rest. a place for my head to rest. weary from the mental road i have been on... damn. i hate that. getting philisophical this late/early is never good for the head.
my fingers cannot keep up with my brain. the steel blood weighs my fingers to the keyboard. my brain functioning too fast to allow my fingers to keep up. thinking too much. buzzing in my brain.
"finger by finger we're losing grasp"

hmm. 4:20am on april 25th. happy birthday sean.

jules was lost in thought at 4:20 AM
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Sunday, April 24, 2005

there was a party last night, last night
cigarettes and empty bottles, empty bottles
better open up this window, this window
need some air to clear my head, clear my head

alone in these strange beds
i think that i've travelled enough
poetry and airplanes
i am tired of waiting for love

another night i lie awake
in woken dreams of fate and faith
hope my love don't come too late
~ Teitur "Poetry and Airplanes"

jules was lost in thought at 10:33 AM
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

.......

silence...

all i have on my side of the line
speak up
or should i?
you're breaking up
you are no longer static
you have lost that spark
the electricity in your blueglass eyes
burning behind those sunglasses
you can no longer see it
hear the static
speak up
you are gone.

poetry 101: any poem you write in an over-tried, delusional state will be beautiful (if only to you) and the biggest piece of shit you have ever written (to pretty much anyone else)

jules was lost in thought at 2:32 AM
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Monday, April 18, 2005

there is something serevely wrong with me. at 1:30, i ordered myself a medium cheese pizza, extra cheese of course. now, i can't sleep. no no its not indigestion.... it's guilt. i feel so bad about having devoured the damn thing after spending two hours at the gym. this is a tad ridiculous.

on another note, i realized tonight just how much i love bertucci's. don't get me wrong, the job can still suck balls, and there are times i want to choke someone i'm so damn frustrated with it, but i really do love it there. its not the building, and its not the job; i love almost all of the people i work with. they can make me so damn happy. lauren, dave, john, jean, and yes, even sean (every once in a while, anyway). despite all the drama and tribulations that occur in that place, it's difficult not to love it. as ispoke of it tonight, i couldn't help but to smile and start laughing. peculiar that you can hate something so much and yet love it at thesame time. that being said, it's going to be SO nice not working for 1 solid month. horray for surgery!

"i was just thinking
that i have been missing you for way too long
and there's something inside this weary head
that wants us to love just instead
but i was just thinking, merrily thinking
but this boat is sinking..."

jules was lost in thought at 3:26 AM
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Sunday, April 17, 2005

10 Random things about me
1. i am an insomniac
2. i love shakespeare
3. salvador dali is my favorite artist
4. i live for tiramisu
5. i am a rollercoaster junkie
6. i am getting three tattoos before summer is out
7. i love jason mraz
8. i am a misanthrope
9. gerbera daises are my favorite flowers
10. i'm not a natural redhead (gasp!)

9 Ways to win my heart
1. MAKE ME LAUGH
2. must be an exceptional cuddler
3. taller than me is definetly prefered, but not essential
4. don't drink a lot, but when you do, be a happy drunk
5. shower daily :p
6. love going out to eat, and dont be stubborn when i offer to split the bill
7. have passion for something in your life
8. like being outdoors, especially hiking
9. be willing to try new things

8 of my favorite movies
1. fight club
2. memento
3. american beauty
4. the emperor's new groove
5. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
6. monty python and the holy grail
7. fear and loathing in las vegas
8. better off dead

7 Things that annoy me
1. people (no, really)
2. ignorance
3. arrogance
4. popcorn kernels stuck in your back teeth
5. squeaky brakes
6. the sound of a permenant marker on a balloon
7. being closed-minded

6 Things I want to do before I die
1. see the pacific ocean
2. see a wolf in the wild
3. skydive
4. bungee jump
5. cliff jumping/diving
6. publish a book

5 Things I am afraid of
1. knives
2. ferris wheels, especially that massive one at six flags
3. not really living
4. never finding love
5. spiders

4 of my favorite items in my room
1. nemo and dory, courtesy lauren <3
2. edward munch's "the scream" simpsons-style
3. mortimer (my teddy bear... go ahead and laugh!)
4. my journals

3 Things I do everyday
1. check my email
2. think too much
3. check my horoscope

2 Things I want to do right now
1. "jump into the car and go driving to the farthest star"
2. call him

1 Person I want to see right now
1. if you have to ask, you'll never know

jules was lost in thought at 7:14 PM
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i wish i could go home. i have not been home in so long, its memory has almost faded.
it is not my house
it is not my dorm room
i miss that feeling of absolute comfort. that fuzzy grogginess enduced by the way you sink into that familiar seat, the smell that encapsulates everything that makes you content. that feeling that you can dance around in your pajamas and pigtails and still be completely at ease. or the way that, even on the stormiest of nights, you can still find refuge. a place to sort out your madness. the way that, after a long time away, that excitement in your belly when you walk up those steps to your home.
they say home is where the heart is
they also say you can never go home again
i don't like them very much

jules was lost in thought at 3:05 AM
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Thursday, April 14, 2005

enjoy the randomness that is my usual conversation with pickett....

threeheads2cu: i just farted
StringBn29: my night is complete
threeheads2cu: read it and weep
StringBn29: or smell it. either or, really
threeheads2cu: sit there as i shout slogans at you
StringBn29: shoot away, balthasar!
threeheads2cu: god im sweaty
StringBn29: schweatie wieners, alec baldwin?
threeheads2cu: fock
StringBn29: fick
threeheads2cu: alright im ghonna chrash
threeheads2cu: ghood knight
StringBn29: fare thee well
StringBn29: sleep well, and hopefully i'll see you in class?
threeheads2cu: penile dysfunction
threeheads2cu: ill see YOU in class
StringBn29: 10-4
threeheads2cu: do you want to just skip?
threeheads2cu: im feeling like skipping
StringBn29: yeah
StringBn29: but we should at least make the ffort
threeheads2cu: fuck that class in the A
StringBn29: i concur!
StringBn29: fuck kohanski!
StringBn29: right in the ass, where she probably likes it, that manly woman!
threeheads2cu: YOU AND YOUR INSULTS
StringBn29: you and your skanky farts!
threeheads2cu: good night punkity brew
StringBn29: good night, pickett fences
threeheads2cu: night beans of string
StringBn29: night heads of three

jules was lost in thought at 2:12 AM
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

it is approximetly 24 hours before my Modern Novel presentation on Chuck Palahniuk (for those that don't know, that's the author of Fight Club... yes, there was a book first). instead of working on that, i am typing in my blog. makes perfect sense, eh?

it is exactly 6 days and 22 hours until my presentation on Gulliver's Travels in British Literature. instead of getting in touch with my partners, i am typing in my blog. well, i already attempted contact actually, but to no avail. oh, and instead of going to class today, i slept in (i swear it wasn't voluntary. my body simply would not allow me to sit up for longer than a split second). instead of contacting anyone in my brit lit class, i am typing in my blog. makes perfect sense, eh?

it is about 2 weeks before my project is due in Celtic and Norse Mythology, and i still have not decided a topic, let alone started on the damn thing yet. instead of meeting with the professor for assistance on that, i am typing in my blog....

it is also about two weeks before my thesis paper on Chuck Palahniuk is due in Modern Novel. but, instead of hoofing it over to the library, i am typing in my blog.... i think you get the point by now.

horray for procrastination!

jules was lost in thought at 3:01 PM
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Friday, April 08, 2005

i've got another concert experience for all of you!
dave matthews band is doing this thing in NYC called Island Getaway. It's a two-day concert, with some great supposrting acts. saturday, july 30th, we have Mike Doughty on the side stage, and Barenaked Ladies opening on the main stage. i dont know ticket prices as of yet, but i'll keep whoever wants to know posted.

also, george carlin will be swinging around these parts. Sat, may 7 in Purchase NY (about 10 minutes from white plains, apparently). tix are from $35-$65

jules was lost in thought at 1:01 PM
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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

okay guys, who wants to hit up some shows with me?
~ Ben Folds, april 23 in providence, RI. tix are $20
~ Matt Wertz, either april 24 (2 showtimes) in NYC or the 25th in providence, RI. tix are $10
~ Dashboard Confessional, april 28 in fairfield. tix are $?
~ *Dane Cook... april 28 in darmouth, MA, or april 30 in boston. tix are $20 for either show.*
~ Audioslave, april 30 in NYC. tix are $35
~ Mike Doughty, may 5th in NYC. tix are $15 (no complaining about finals week; i have a final at 8am the next morning, and i'm still going!)
~ Trey Anastasio, you know, the hippie front man to the now-absolved Phish. May 13 and 14 in NYC. two things: 1. tix are sold out, so if you wanna go scalp em with me, i'd like the company, and 2. this will be either 3 or 4 days after my surgery. still contemplating whether this is a good call; but then again, isn't that what vicodin is for?
~ John Bitler Trio, may 18 in philadelphia. tix are $12-14. (missed them in boston and NYC... horray for work!) so anyone that will be willing to do the train thing or drive (i will not be able to drive) let me know!
~ Bright Eyes, may 20 in providence, RI. tix are $23.50. once again, i can't drive :(
~ Dave Matthews Band, June 18 or 19 at the meadows... this is more a back-up in case my current companion is too broke to go.
~ Dave Matthews Band, july1 in saratoga, ny
~ Jack Johnson, either september 13 or 15, in central park. tix are $37.50

and before i forget, i hate you guys for going to Bonaroo to see Jack Johnson, DMB, Mike Doughty.... i really hate you guys, and will be cursing your names for those three days :p

jules was lost in thought at 2:06 AM
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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

doobie doobie doo... procrastinating on work is the bomb diggitty word up in the hood. now that i have firmly established just how white i am...

still up, talking with the laster. despite how busy that kid is, he has his life figured out. he knows what he wants to do, where he wants to live, hell he even knows exactly where he's going to work. resolve like that might just drive a person insane. it's enviable. i dont even know what i intend on doing with my English with a focus in Literature degree. teach?! HA. can anyone see me standing in front of a group of high-schoolers, trying to explain the nuances of John Donne's poetry? maybe maybe college, but again, i would end up becoming that cynical, bitter, absolute horror of a human being after 10 years, tops. i could work in an office... but that would require me actually waking up at normal times (god-damned insomnia). i could be an author, but i have too many dry spells (please note the current one... i haven't written a short story or poem i am proud of in well over 4 months). i can be an editor of a magazine or newspaper. that would be fun, and rewarding. its just the matter of getting there... well, in any event, i'll figure things out. things always work out, one way or the other, despite whether or not i can tell right off. here's hoping things work out well this time.

on another note, i am officially reclaiming my role as resident misanthrope.
this role may be rescinded in the next 48 hours, but the likelihood of that is slim to none.
until next time...

jules was lost in thought at 1:53 AM
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Monday, April 04, 2005

for the first time in a long time, i have butterflies in my stomach.
"i'm in a glass case of emotion!"
tired beyond all reason, yet i know sleep will not readily find me on this chilled evening. i am giddy, nervous, happy, and miserable all wrapped into one. this is a horribly confusing state i've found myself in. once again, internally conflicted, i will lie awake tonight. then iwill run tomorrow morning. forget it all, let the pounding of my feet on the asphalt drone out the thoughts running rampant in my skull.
i've been noticing the minute things lately. the checkerboard pattern in the game i am playing. the quiet pattering of the rain against my window sill. anything to keep myself from thinking too deeply. once i get intrinsic about things, they seem to bear down a little heavier. the emotion behind everything intensifies. there is so much to be hoepful for, yet so much that weighs heavy on my mind, dragging me.

boundaries don't keep others out; they keep you fenced in. so you can either spend your life drawing lines, or spend your life crossing them.

currently listening to: Rufus Wainwright "across the universe"
words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup
they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind
possessing and caressing me...
images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
that call me on and on across the universe
thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
they stumble blindly as they make their way across the universe...
sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing through my open mind
inciting and inviting me
limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
it calls me on and on across the universe
nothing's gonna change my world...

jules was lost in thought at 4:48 AM
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in case anyone missed some of my oh-so-exquisite writing for the Daily Campus, here are the links to several of the articles i've written. after all, what else would i be doing at 4am on a monday morning? sleeping? bah! there's more at the Daily Campus's website... happy hunting

Missy Higgins cd review
http://www.dailycampus.com/news/2005/02/03/Focus/Australian.Pop.Star.Debuts.In.U-851200.shtml

Dane Cook's performance at UConn
http://www.dailycampus.com/news/2005/01/28/Focus/Cook-Gives.Uconn.Killer.Abdominal.Workout-844962.shtml

"The Hebrew Hammer" movie review
http://www.dailycampus.com/news/2004/11/17/Focus/Goldberg.hammers.It.Out-807796.shtml

jules was lost in thought at 3:57 AM
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Sunday, April 03, 2005

how to have a slendiferous weekend:
1. go to a party with all your friends (courtesy ms. b-renda). enjoy their company. meet an intriguing person :p. watch a late-night movie. pass out.
2. get DMB tickets... with pavilion seats to the saratoga show. by the way, who wants to go with me?
3. go to another party, but make sure you dont know many people. run the beer pong table with your friend and new-found partner (7 games, what?). chill until 5am with your crew (in this case, 3/4 of the belden brigade). watch another late-night movie. pass out.
4. wake up at 3:00 pm. do nothing all day. enjoy some good comedy. dana carvey is preferable in this scenario, but whatever floats your boat will suffice. continue to do nothing.

this was my weekend.
this was a good weeend. :D

jules was lost in thought at 8:59 PM
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Friday, April 01, 2005

when you are sleep-deprived, nothing is real. everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. the soundtrack is underwater. you hear the bass tones, the rumbling in your head, dull, droning, but there is no logic to the rhythm. i hear the vibrating of the heater clanking triumphantly over the sea of voices around me. you hear snippets of the conversation... the meaning of the book we discuss is lost on me, but the author's name holds with me even now, more than 12 hours after hearing it. snorri sturluson. snorri. snore. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

i hear the words being spoken in fractionals.
"the knowledge that odin gains... gouging out his eyes to gain it"... and once again, i hear one word and my mind takes off.
Serendipity. i think of the movie. john cusack. you said it's a cute movie. i've yet to see it. the complete john cusack dvd collection... my mind is adrift.
my mind is a cruise ship without a rudder. almost out of control.
Serendipity. i think of Dogma. the muse. my muse. ack!
my mind is a very persistent 5 year old, just begging me to play. taunting me.
bad norse poetry. i come crashing back down to class. the poetry doesn't make sense. it doesn't make sense. perfect. i am back to reality...

jules was lost in thought at 1:41 AM
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