i'm coming slow but speeding...

Friday, December 26, 2008

i miss something i didn't even realize i missed until it was sitting right in front of me.
coffee seemed like such a splendid idea at the time.
i doubt it's the caffeine that's been keeping me awake the past two nights.

jules was lost in thought at 2:40 PM
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Thursday, December 18, 2008

ah, insomnia, how i loathe thee.

granted, without you, countless rantings would be lost to the subconscious of the dreaming world. but at least while dreaming, one can let those rantings be lost. while awake, in that awkward sleep-deprived state, there is nowhere for those thoughts to go but outward onto a page of some persuasion. typing is easier tonight.

i was perusing facebook and myspace, and noticed how almost a large percentage of my friends are happily involved in relationships, more so than i ever realized anyway. and i know this should not make me feel guilty, or any less worthy, or any less deserving, but this time through, it did.

alas, those single friends of mine out there, we can all commiserate that this time of year is particularly tough, what with holiday parties to bring no one to, snowy evenings to enjoy a mug of hot chocolate and cuddle up against yourself with, new year's eve kissing the random stranger next to you or a friend instead of someone special. it's moments like this i'm glad i work as much as i do. i don't think i could deal with yet another holiday season of being the ultimate 5th wheel if i had time to think about it.

and on the flip side, i still treasure my independence to a fault, that i worry delving into a relationship would simply be a recipe for disaster. i am just too selfish to be in one, what, with my constant thoughts of moving away, working obscene hours, it just doesn't fit into my life right now.

what a disheartening dilemma. sigh.

jules was lost in thought at 3:15 AM
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Monday, December 08, 2008

i almost forgot i had this blog, but was reminded by a friend who seems to have spent a decent chunk of time reading it last night. thanks andy for reminding me of my former creative outlet. this brief and ambiguous update goes out to you, since, if you put the concerted effort in to read this, the least i can do is update it. a year is far too long.

after simply browsing a few of the more 'recent' entries, i realized how much my life has changed since those words were so frivolously thrown onto this site. april 15th, my elusive cut-off date for moving to california, has come and gone, seven months at this point. i'm no longer disillusioned into thinking i would have been happy with any of the people mentioned so ambiguosly. perhaps i'm jaded, perhaps i'm just realistic. who knows. and yet, so much has stayed the same. i'm still obsessed with work, still ailing in more ways than phyiscally. still have that overly optimistic point of view, if not a bit more weathered.

so, after reading a bit of my own life, i've realized something: i'm still the same person. but i'm growing up. and that, my friends, is truly petrifying. for those days of youthful naivity and unabashed emotional drive are not completely behind me, but they sure as hell haven't been as prevalent as they used to be.

in closing, i'll be writing a lot more now than i used to. if there were ever a time for a creative outlet, this would be it.

jules was lost in thought at 8:53 AM
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