i'm coming slow but speeding...

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

the well of inspiration has sprung a leak. it has been drained... sucked dry by my scrutinizing mind. i have no words of poetic flow left in me. the catalyst of my weakness, my fatal flaw, my hurbis shall we say, is oblivious that it is the cause to the overbearing burden weighing on my sanity. or maybe my hubris is not so oblivious, but is rather a stubborn ox. maybe i'm the stubborn one... too scared to do anything... or would scarred be more appropriate?

why is it i always think of this when my luck runs low? i found out tonight that, despite my hardest efforts, i will still most likely have to decline my acceptance to london. despite the fact that i have been approved for the loan to cover the entire cost of the program, i cannot go... unless of course i want to end up paying $35,000 for the program once all the interest has accrued, and not including the already $11,000 i already have in loans, plus whatever amount i would have to take out to cover the spring semester. thanks all the same, but i dont need $40,000 in debt looming over my head once i graduate.

i drempt last night about it. not london. it was a horrible, terrifying dream. though memories of the dream itself scattered as soon as the sunlight hit my eyes and the alarm blared triumphantly through my REM sleep, the feeling when i woke up rested in the pit of my stomach, following me through this day like a bad burrito the night before. there were moments when i just sat in awe that a dream, whose details elude me, has manipulated my day so much. then again, it wouldn't be my fatal flaw if it didnt wreck me, now would it?

i hope tomorrow is as beautiful as they promise. i hope the weather isnt the only beautiful part of the day. maybe a "yes" would cheer the day. maybe a "yes" for the london program
maybe just a simple "yes"...

jules was lost in thought at 11:59 PM
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i write even worse blogs. the idea of my emotions out there for the world to see... intimidating for someone as closed-off with the inner sanctum of their mind as me. ah well, better now than never.
this is something i wrote a while ago... but it emulates how i feel tonight.

crack the window just enough
to let the night seep in
seep into my skin
so i don't feel so alone
riding this resevoir desert
searching the quiet, hoping
to stumble across your midnigth beams
riding high upon this smoky veil
i watch the water reverberate
the rain beats, unabashed
pounding out the silence
and the radio fuzz
stuck inside this shell
i stareat the road and
try to remember what the stars look like.

jules was lost in thought at 12:42 AM
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Monday, March 28, 2005

please disregard thursday's elated post saying i was in to the London program... no no, i'm still in, but it is completely unfeasible for me to be able to afford to go. as much as i hate it, i cannot afford to go to london. i'm not angry, i'm not pissed off, i'm not anything... i'm just sad.

really, really sad.

you would think that by now i would have learned never to get my hopes up for anything. the second i get my hopes up for anything major, the floor comes out from under me and all my hopes and dreams come tumbling to the bottom. Last time i had the opportunity to go abroad, the trip was cancelled 3 days before the final payment was due (i still hate my high school for that one... bastards). last time i got my hopes up high for something that i truly hoped would work out, i was left with nothing more than disappointment and a world of hurt. on the plus side, at least i'm starting to learn how to deal with a broken heart very quickly.
talk about wallowing in your own misery, but dammit, i'd say this is warranted. i'll probably never get to go abroad now. well, maybe not EVER, but the likelihood that i will ever need a passport has just reduced drastically. one thing is certain: i'll never get the chance to prance about on the stage of the Globe Theatre.

julie's current total of once-in-a-lifetime experiences: a big fat fucking 0

jules was lost in thought at 4:21 AM
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Thursday, March 24, 2005

i'm in! i cannot believe it! i woke up this morning, feeling likeshit, to put it quite bluntly, and now i'm on top of the world!
now i just need to figure out where i can scrounge up about $18,000. anyone know any good pimps i can get in touch with?
huzzah!

jules was lost in thought at 5:14 PM
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illness will do funny things to a person. like make them create a blog site, where their interest level before was slim to none. ah well, might as well embrace the temporary delerium while its here. in the meantime, here's my rant...
UConn residential life is doing the devil's work. they have raped seniors of their right to have to have premium housing on campus, and i hate them for it! and to top it off, they are charging exhorbitant fees for what housing is available, and changing the price of housing after the selection process had already begun. this school is chock-full of money-hungry bastards more concerned with stuffing their pockets than providing for the needs of their students. bastards!
on another note, i've yet to hear from the study abroad program. i hope i get to go to London in the fall... so much has gone awry in the past year, i need to escape connecticut, even if only for three months, just to escape some things that never seem to go away. three months away from everything would do wonders for me... maybe it'll teach me some things about myself i cant learn trapped in this state, this place, this frame of mind. maybe it'll teach some other people some things too. fingers crossed that i find out my fate tomorrow...
until next time...
jules

jules was lost in thought at 3:01 AM
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