i'm coming slow but speeding...

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

the well of inspiration has sprung a leak. it has been drained... sucked dry by my scrutinizing mind. i have no words of poetic flow left in me. the catalyst of my weakness, my fatal flaw, my hurbis shall we say, is oblivious that it is the cause to the overbearing burden weighing on my sanity. or maybe my hubris is not so oblivious, but is rather a stubborn ox. maybe i'm the stubborn one... too scared to do anything... or would scarred be more appropriate?

why is it i always think of this when my luck runs low? i found out tonight that, despite my hardest efforts, i will still most likely have to decline my acceptance to london. despite the fact that i have been approved for the loan to cover the entire cost of the program, i cannot go... unless of course i want to end up paying $35,000 for the program once all the interest has accrued, and not including the already $11,000 i already have in loans, plus whatever amount i would have to take out to cover the spring semester. thanks all the same, but i dont need $40,000 in debt looming over my head once i graduate.

i drempt last night about it. not london. it was a horrible, terrifying dream. though memories of the dream itself scattered as soon as the sunlight hit my eyes and the alarm blared triumphantly through my REM sleep, the feeling when i woke up rested in the pit of my stomach, following me through this day like a bad burrito the night before. there were moments when i just sat in awe that a dream, whose details elude me, has manipulated my day so much. then again, it wouldn't be my fatal flaw if it didnt wreck me, now would it?

i hope tomorrow is as beautiful as they promise. i hope the weather isnt the only beautiful part of the day. maybe a "yes" would cheer the day. maybe a "yes" for the london program
maybe just a simple "yes"...

jules was lost in thought at 11:59 PM

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